Vegas Church unveils "Proselytutes"

Proselytize: To induce someone to convert to one's own religious faith.

A church in Las Vegas has found a new way to raise money for the poor - prostitution.

Father Vinny Donato says his congregation has grown quite quickly since the instituting of the 'proselytutes'. He explains,"Many people are shocked and offended by our new program, proclaiming it 'sinful', but we prefer to take a wider view. Which is the greater sin, adultery or allowing others to remain unsaved? To condemn them to Hell, through inaction, in order to 'conserve' your own place in Heaven? A priest's job is to aid others in achieving Heaven, even if it means risking his own soul to do so!"

While unswayed by this reasoning, this reporter decided to take the 'baptismal plunge' and investigate the entire process. A journalist's job is to seek out the truth, even if it means compromising his sacred marital vows. Besides, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Approaching the church, I was met by a young priest, handing out pamphlets proclaiming the many benefits of the program, including the offer of a tax receipt for your 'donation' to the church! After expressing a despair that I had not accepted Christ into my heart, I was led inside to meet one of these 'Hookers for Heaven'.

Mother Evangeline, a striking woman in her mid-forties, greeted me warmly and perhaps sensing my discomfort, offered a few words to facilitate my enlightenment. "God made us aware of Him to comfort and embrace us, to teach us to accept ourselves, to love ourselves, and to accept love that is given to us. God is Love, my son, in all its forms - we merely provide physical proof of that."

I was then placed in the capable hands of Sister Chastity, a petite asian who I must report for the sake of journalistic accuracy, brought me to such a level of ecstacy that I believe I saw the face of God. And so, this intrepid reporter, having braved the many hazards involved, humbly suggests that before you judge these so-called Daughters of Mary Magdelan, you open your minds, hearts, wallets and legs, and walk a mile in their shoes.

Massive Wangs "Appealing" to Pope

Former computer giant, Wang Computers has victoriously re-emerged after more than a decade of silence to snatch one of the juiciest plums in the IT world, the Vatican.

When the Vatican recently announced it's intention to become the first entirely wireless country, Wang was among the few companies invited to bid. They won. "It's a huge undertaking." said Fred Wang, Dr. Wang's son and former president of Wang Labs. "But we're getting a lot of help from within the Vatican itself. The priesthood especially is excited about us. They really love Wang."

Father Doitmals, a Vatican spokesman, elaborated. "You must understand, most of the Wangs we priests get our hands on are about ten years old, and quite small. We're all excited about the size and power of these new Wangs. You should see his Holiness' Wang, it'll put the fear of God into you!"

Fred Wang explained the security features of these fearsome, sturdy Wangs. "The integrated security features of the Wang are fabulous, while allowing each parisioner and citizen to have their own account, all priests are given a smooth rear-entrance to use only in confessional. Obviously, infection is a concern whenever there's frequent rear access -especially with multiple users. Never fear though, with multiple layers of protection and authorization, we've guaranteed the Vatican the tightest back-doors around!"

Wang's successful bid for the Vatican's new massive mainframe, however had other bidders crying foul.

In response to the accusations of 'shady, under-the-pulpet dealings', the Pope's rebuttal came with agonizingly slowness. "This is nonsense!" the Pope finally ejaculated,"It's a well-known fact that the Catholic priesthood has a long-standing predilection for smaller Wangs for personal use. A massive Wang is merely the next logical step."

"The new mainframe is truly a one of a kind. The Vatican insisted on 'massaging' the system specs until it was rock-solid."says Wang. "It was a really pleasurable experience to watch these guys handle a Wang. They're pros.

Finally, after 2 years of planning, on May 1st of this year Wang consumated the deal. At three in the afternoon, the mainframe arrived. Four large men, grunting and sweating with effort, wrestled the giant Wang deep into the bowels of the Vatican. Its installation was met with an audible sigh of relief from the assembled clergy, a truly immaculate reception. In an unusual show of trust, Wang agreed to let the Vatican accept the delivery orally, without so much as a handshake from Wang's head of solicitors.

It would seem that Wang's seed has been sown for a long, profitable relationship with the Catholic church. Hoping to capture more of the religious market, Wang has solicited several religious leaders in an attempt to entice them into grabbing their own Wangs.In a final note, a similar deal for large Wangs was cut short by the Jewish Council of Elders.

There's Something About Mary's Facial Cleanser

Rewters,FN
A 37 year old chemist was arrested yesterday after tests showed he had added his own 'special ingredient' to the soap dispensers in the women's lavatories.

Gerald Henriksen reportedly asked female co-workers to participate in a trial run of his latest development for a cosmetics firm client, which consisted of a facial cleanser/moisturizer which he called 'BÜ -kaKe'.

The 'cleanser' was nothing more than an aromatic chemical and Mr. Henriksen's own semen. Several of the test subjects became suspicious after noting Henriksen furtively took the videos of the women applying the cream home with him at night. Their suspicions were raised further when he began making 'odd requests' regarding application method and clothing worn during the 'documentary' videos.

Tiana Skovold, one of Henriksen's favourite test subjects and a talented chemist in her own right, correctly identified 'BÜ -kaKe's primary ingredient and alerted the authorities.

While many of the women reported a 'notable improvement' in facial skin-tone and elasticity during the experiment, it would seem Henriksen is now faced with a very different sort of trial.