Vegas Church unveils "Proselytutes"

Proselytize: To induce someone to convert to one's own religious faith.

A church in Las Vegas has found a new way to raise money for the poor - prostitution.

Father Vinny Donato says his congregation has grown quite quickly since the instituting of the 'proselytutes'. He explains,"Many people are shocked and offended by our new program, proclaiming it 'sinful', but we prefer to take a wider view. Which is the greater sin, adultery or allowing others to remain unsaved? To condemn them to Hell, through inaction, in order to 'conserve' your own place in Heaven? A priest's job is to aid others in achieving Heaven, even if it means risking his own soul to do so!"

While unswayed by this reasoning, this reporter decided to take the 'baptismal plunge' and investigate the entire process. A journalist's job is to seek out the truth, even if it means compromising his sacred marital vows. Besides, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Approaching the church, I was met by a young priest, handing out pamphlets proclaiming the many benefits of the program, including the offer of a tax receipt for your 'donation' to the church! After expressing a despair that I had not accepted Christ into my heart, I was led inside to meet one of these 'Hookers for Heaven'.

Mother Evangeline, a striking woman in her mid-forties, greeted me warmly and perhaps sensing my discomfort, offered a few words to facilitate my enlightenment. "God made us aware of Him to comfort and embrace us, to teach us to accept ourselves, to love ourselves, and to accept love that is given to us. God is Love, my son, in all its forms - we merely provide physical proof of that."

I was then placed in the capable hands of Sister Chastity, a petite asian who I must report for the sake of journalistic accuracy, brought me to such a level of ecstacy that I believe I saw the face of God. And so, this intrepid reporter, having braved the many hazards involved, humbly suggests that before you judge these so-called Daughters of Mary Magdelan, you open your minds, hearts, wallets and legs, and walk a mile in their shoes.